Modern Romance

Sunday’s New York Times Magazine has an interesting article on “The First Marriage”. No, that’s not Adam and Eve; they’re talking about the Obamas. It was a delightful thing to read in bed on Sunday morning, almost as good as a juicy romance novel. I mean, wouldn’t we all like to be tall, thin, rich (well moderately, anyway), have a great career and a spouse that adores us?

Oh, I meant Barack. No, seriously, I think the Obamas are a great example of middle aged love, one to be admired and emulated insofar as possible, just like I hold up Barack’s life story to my daughter as an example of someone who can take bad life events and make something beyond the ordinary out of them. But the story in the Times is really about effort, not romance. Here are two people with ferocious intelligence, significant ambition, and apparently tons of energy. That combination can equal fireworks or synergy, and it clearly works because of real effort to understand, make compromises and trades, and take the best available to them (as opposed to seeking perfection.)

Unlike the bombastic buffoon we were beset with for the previous 8 years, one of Barack’s salient traits seems to be the ability to shut up and listen. How incredible to have a President who actually thinks he has something to learn from other people, maybe even his wife! As is obvious from the interview, Barack is still struggling to understand Michelle’s needs, and she struggles to mesh her personality with the needs of his role.

It ain’t easy being a mom and having a brain. Michelle’s career has certainly suffered for her support of Barack. It strikes me as so sad that, although feminism has certainly opened doors for women never possible before the ‘70s, it ended up costing women a lot as policies were implemented. Traditional work place protections were swept away, women who had spent many years raising children suddenly found themselves eligible in a divorce for only “rehabilitative” maintenance (as if motherhood made them handicapped…well, come to think of it…) or (very temporary) alimony, and now we are expected not only to have a career, be a spouse and bear children, but also do all the housekeeping and nurturing that used to be considered already a full time job. When my mother was a single working woman in her 20’s, she lived in an apartment building that was designed for working women and had maid service, because someone working a full time job couldn’t be expected to clean a (small) apartment! Dream on…

The other societal support that feminism did not achieve was the establishment of quality, easily available child care. Any woman that wants to pursue a career usually has a part time job arranging for the safety and well being of her children. Here’s where Barack and Michelle really won lotto. Michelle’s mother, Marilyn Robinson, is the unsung hero of their marriage.

Think about it—if you had a devoted, non-working grandmother who adored your kids, probably didn’t need to get paid, and was still spry enough to chase after them and young enough to drive without running over people on the sidewalk, wouldn’t you feel a great sigh of relief? Okay, if you have that, I’m green with envy. My mom was 80 years old when I had the Nikipedia, and she babysat a total of 4 times during Nikipedia’s childhood.

So now we know the secrets of the Obama marriage. Well, it wasn’t exactly a big secret—they love each other and work at it. It may not be perfect, but, gee, I’d take it. Now, what’s the other secret about the Obamas that I’d really like to know? What exercises does Michelle do for those arms?